morning thoughts

when i was sixteen i started college with a girl who was, in everyone's understanding, the epitome of cool. she wore hiking boots exclusively, everywhere, no matter the occasion, did art and smelt of incense, didn't own a hairbrush, laughed like she was scared she might die the next minute without appreciating the depth of the moment. she was totally fucked, of course, like we all are when we're sixteen. but she was fucked in a cool way, in a manic display of fireworks, sparkling as she sipped her beer and rolled another joint.

i didn't know the truth of it all, of course. but then, when do we ever? to me, she was paint-streaked with my envy, so fucking free-spirited, belonged by the sea and salt.

she was doing lines of coke every morning, just to get her on her way to college. which does explain the mania, in hindsight.

aside from the obvious sense of /jesus fucking christ/, i'm wicked impressed that at sixteen this chick was sourcing and paying for a cocaine habit in the tiny towns and villages we wandered. i mean, she lived in the middle of nowhere. very seriously. there's no public transport there, she couldn't drive. how are you figuring that one out?

says a lot about addiction, and pain. they will always find their outs. we are born in secrecy, damage written our coding. waiting for the right moment, the right trigger, before it's open fire. all hell breaks loose. i was melancholic before i even was.

i saw this girl last when my son was six months old or so. she gave him a tshirt that he's just about growing into now, over four years later. it was a sweet and bemusing gift, one that only 20 year olds can give when they know they want to wrap their love up for you but they can't fathom for the life of them what a baby is, really. i was very touched. still am. it was a perfect demonstration of the simplicity that it really does not matter if you get it wrong or don't understand or can't relate. it matters if you try.

my heart is heavy today. my best friend's papa passed away, she told me yesterday. we've been distant lately, been distant for a long while now. and i feel helpless, wanting her to know my tender heart is hers, all grief and love mixed up. but grief, i think, is maybe the hardest stroke to fit words into. not wanting to be too much and be a strain, but wanting to something, anything.

i'm thinking of jack of course. i hope i will be always, but i know that i will not. my heart is too heavy for these boughs today.