26/10/14 - and again

This feels long overdue. The leaves are already turning red and falling to the ground and I’ve only written twice this year. And yet, I can’t bring myself to feel too much regret. I’ve been learning to live. I’ve been learning how to let flowers bloom. I’ve been learning how to be, instead of how to write. And I know which one I prefer.
I feel so full. Not the kind of full I used to feel a year back, when I’d cry my way through a meal and get to the end and talk about how disgusting I was and how I wanted to empty out my insides to get rid of that feeling.
That was the bad kind of full.
This kind of full is the way I’m on this doubledecker bus sitting right at the top, right at the front and the sun is setting out this big wide window and it’s painting the sky in shades of gold and pink.
It’s the kind of full like on a run, when the evening is setting in and the leaves are turning brilliantly red and the mist is hovering over the fields on my right and it’s so incredibly beautiful that I can’t help but marvel at how wonderful this earth is.
The kind of full like when it’s some unknown time in the early hours of the morning and I’m asleep and he curls himself around me and it’s like I could burst with how loved I feel.
The kind of full where you can’t really put it into words.
I used to feel so wronged when words failed me, because they were all that I had. Without them I wasn’t anything, wasn’t anybody. And now I’m this person, with a future and a plan and this happy, happy heart, and there’s all those mountains out there to climb and the best thing is that I’m not going to be climbing them by myself anymore.

I get to actually be here, awake, for my absolute favourite time of year – not including all the other parts of the year which are also my favourites. Last year I missed it. I was so sad and so empty and so self absorbed and I got shut in for six weeks and I came out and autumn had come and I forgot to fall in love with the seasons. And I don’t want to be that person again. I don’t want to fall out of love with anything that’s ever made me feel so incredibly alive. So this year, I have no intention of half-assing my Christmas spirit, or half-assing this new adventure I’m on which will actually lead to an actual career and head my way towards actual adulthood. I have no intention of half-assing anything ever again.