29/07/14 - the passing of time

It's been over ten months now. Ten months since it began to end. And it's easy, now, to look back and laugh and it's easy to forget that every second was hell and it is so damn easy now. But it was the hardest thing I ever did.
It's been over ten months and I'm here with a wonderful boy and this is happiness. It's been over ten months and I am not fragile, I am not just skin and bones, and I can stand my ground. I have a future now. I have a life.
I sometimes feel beautiful now.
Sometimes, still, I see my thighs and I am filled with detest, or I catch a glimpse of myself laughing and all I can see is how ridiculously stupid I look, or I link my thumb and my pinky finger in a circle around my wrist because it makes me feel small. And feeling small makes me feel more human. But maybe it's less human.
And my calves are the wrong shape and I don't like my arms and my stomach is gross and I criticise and I pick myself apart till I'm reduced to lots of little piles of scattered self hatred.
But I don't cry when I look in the mirror. And I don't cry over food. And I'm not mad, I'm not crazy, I'm not sad. I'm happy. I am happy.
I am happy. And sometimes I feel beautiful.
And this, right here, this is good. And this is the most profound change I could ever have imagined.